Get filthy with your sexual partner and try something new and exciting in your bedroom! Many couples want to begin investigating BDSM, but are afraid of hurting each other. In case you are new to BDSM, there is a good reason to be unsure: go too fast too fat, or miscommunicate with your sexual partner and you can end up hurting one another or ruin your relationship. On the other hand, couples who are new to BDSM have so much to achieve by discovering new parts of their sexuality together. Here we go with the beginners’ guide for anyone new to BDSM who is ready to get into it!
But before we start let’s get acquainted with the notion of BDSM. What is it? These letters mean lots of different things, depending on who you ask. The most widespread and broad definition of BDSM is Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. It’s a meaningful term that consists of a wide range of erotic activities that consenting grownups use to explore their sexuality together. It can be a simply as light bondage or an erotic spanking or as complicated as suspension bondage and caning.
1. Name your fantasies and desires
Fantasies are the product of your erotic imagination and can be powerful fuel for your sexual arousal. Your fantasies have no limitations and consequences. A desire is a craving for a reality experience. Learn the difference and let your fantasies run crazy while being realistic about what you in fact desire in your sex life.
As soon as you have learnt what your authentic desires are, get clear about what type of erotic energy you need. Erotic energy is the motivation and intent beyond any sexual action. For instance, a kiss itself may be romantic or harsh, depending on the energy you put in it. When you begin to explore more intense sexual acts like bondage or spanking, you have to be absolutely clear about what type of erotic energy you want to experience. An erotic spanking can be sweet and tender, or raunchy and dominating. If you just ask your sexual partner to spank you, you may not get what you want. Once you get clear, you can both relax into your roles and are far more likely to have the sexual experience you want!
Before you start, go on a date and have a long talk about what you want to experience with your sexual partner. Let this conversation to be part of the foreplay. Ask lots of detailed questions and be ready to speak sincerely about what you desire, what you do and don’t want to happen and what type of sensations you would like to experience. If you are shy about something during your conversation, you perhaps aren’t ready to try it out! Once you have explored in conversation, you will get a much easier time giving one another what you desire and avoiding what might hurt you or your sexual partner.
Lots of people what are new to BDSM make the mistake of trying out lots of new things at a time. This makes it difficult to discover what you like and what you don’t. Try incorporating one new experience at a time, so you can be quite clear about what worked and what didn’t. For instance, try a light erotic spanking to begin with. In case you like it, you can add in light bondage or verbal discipline, or orgasm control. Each element will add a new slice of risk and excitement, so try one at a time and build your future erotic adventures out of the elements you like!
It’s important to install clear boundaries each time you discover BDSM together. Both of you need to know what will happen and what will not. It’s much easier to relax into new experiences and surrender in case you aren’t worried about what will be coming next. So in case you are trying out erotic spanking, make sure to be clear what other activities you are ready to try: do you want sexual stimulation before, during or in the end? Is hair pulling fine? Is there anything you need to be called? What do you not want to hear while you are being spanked? Install clear boundaries and then follow them. You can always renegotiate next time. Build trust by following agreed upon boundaries every time.
If you are new to BDSM there is always the temptation to try very heavy experience. Build up intensity slowly and there is way less of a chance that somebody will be hurt. Despite the type of activity you are exploring, slow way down and pay attention every step you take. It’s much better to end a session wanting more than do too much too fast. In case you hesitate how much intensity your sexual partner wants, use a scale like 1-10, one being ‘very soft’ and ten being, ‘as much as I can bear!’ Anyway, you can quickly check in and figure out if your spanks are feeling like a two or a five. Over time, you will both be able to explain more clearly.
Take the time to check in with one another about how your experience went after it’s over. Sometimes it is necessary to check in a few hours later, other times it can wait until the next day. Be sure to ask our favorite question: ‘What could have felt even better?’ This question will allow you to have more pleasurable sex next time. Acknowledge that you are both new to BDSM and both have lots of things to explore. Use feedback to learn one another’s desires and needs so you can have even more satisfying experiences in the future!
In case you are new to BDSM, it can be very enlightening to visit a BDSM conference or game party and simply watch other people play. You’ll get your mind ready to the possibilities and if you pay attention to what makes you aroused, you can learn a lot about yourself. Lots of BDSM conferences have workshops where you can learn new skills in a safe manner.
Discover slowly at first, but keep your options open. Lots of BDSM activities look much more intense than they feel. For instance, piercing is something lots of persons are afraid of, but can in fact feel really relaxing and not at all painful! Keep your mind open, investigate one thing after another and never say never.
When you are new to BDSM it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Keep in mind it as a long-term investigation of your sexuality and desires and enjoy each experience you try out. Sexuality is a fluid power in our lives: we require various things at various phases and the process of exploring yourself as a sexual being never ends! Especially in long term relationships, the spirit of exploration and curiosity can go a long way towards making your sex life fulfilling and exciting.
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