The bondage community is extra-careful about sexual moves not to make anybody gets hurt. Their advice can be helpful for everyone who has sex, whether or not that’s your thing.
A sex worker and performer named Kitty Stryker is an expert on kink and bondage, among other things, she says that if somebody says ‘no’ to you in a sexual meaning, ‘it doesn’t mean you are a bad or hideous man.’ The only thing it means they don’t want to do what you want to do immediately. She adds that for kinky and non-kinky persons alike learning to feel okay with ‘no’ and not take it personally is good.
This tip is the logic part of the previous one. Stryker says if somebody refuses to do something you want to do (no matter if it’s kissing or dressing like a hero), you mustn’t react ‘oh, that’s okay’ in a way that sounds ‘really bummed.’ That means that it is not, actually, okay. Instead, she offers something like ‘thank you for taking care of yourself.’ The aim isn’t to make your sexual partner feel bad for making boundaries. Stryker thinks people forget that if somebody cannot say ‘no,’ their ‘yes’ isn’t in face meaningful.
Stryker reports that in the BDSM community they need to make space for dominants to confess they screwed up. She explains that lots of dominants have ‘broken consent’ in a way over the course of their private lives – she has done it – and what necessary is to be sincere about it and let your sexual partner be sincere too. Actually, she adds, dominants mustn’t pressure their sexual partners to keep silence about a breach of consent in order to salvage their good names. It’s significant to be apt to say ‘my reputation isn’t worth making the victim silent’ – and dominants who can say that, she thinks, are the most respected among all.
Clarisse Thorn, the S&M activist and writer, says it’s general practice in BDSM community to speak about a scene after it’s over. On the one hand body language is a significant gauge of whether somebody’s having pleasure, but body language in BDSM can be complicated – a sexual partner could get hurt but still enjoying the experience. So it’s necessary to sit down afterwards and answer questions like, ‘Did it feel well when we had this?’ Thorn says this same type of conversation can be necessary for vanilla partners either.
Dr. Ruth Neustifter, an expert at relationship and sexuality, says, ‘Despite not everybody in the BDSM community is a nice speaker, I discover that there is a larger emphasis on strong communication skills in general’. She adds that communication can be passionate. She likes it when she sees BDSM people communicating about consent, boundaries and wishes in sexy ways throughout their sex experiences. When she sees a couple or group that is playing while constantly speaking to one another, she wants that the public could see and appreciate those skills with her.
She explains it that those skills are sometimes not appreciated well and adds so often she sees vanilla sexual partners that seem to feel that open communication and investigation are undesirable qualities. Giving feedback on wished touch, things they desire to say and hear, and even purposes for intimate time together can be quite challenging and taboo for some vanilla couples. So essentially, they can learn from BDSM community that communication is an important part of sex and relationship, not something strange or unnecessary.
Stryker recommends both kinky and vanilla persons, to ask the question ‘where do you want to go’ instead of ‘what do you want to do.’ She says intercourse isn’t an aim, it’s a journey and instead of speaking about specific acts, sexual partners should discuss how they want to feel. Thorn shares that opinion – she cautions against the ‘base system’ where only penis-in-vagina sex can be normal. Rather than thinking of intercourse as a ‘rigid trajectory’ toward penis-in-vagina scheme (which actually leaves out plenty of persons who don’t do that), she recommends ‘investigating in an open-ended way.’
Thorn says that BDSM isn’t for everyone – the big lesson is to discover your own wishes. It isn’t that everybody has to do wild things – the real takeaway, for Thorn, is that persons should find out their own sexualities and do what they want to do, whether it looks what other people are doing or not.
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