Dr. Frankie Bashan of Little Gay Book, renowned relationship coach and lesbian matchmaker, discusses ways of managing emotions and provides the idea that we all are able to manage our emotions based on our thoughts. Dr. Frankie is a relationship coach and a clinical psychologist with a 10-year experience helping people overcome challenges of all types.

Here is a breakup and statements like ‘it’s not you it’s me’, ‘I hope we can stay friends’ or ‘I’m not ready for something else’. Now what? You may call your sincere friends, isolate or focus on work. All of those steps are general after a breakup and we only mention some of them. The aim is to help you to find the fastest and most appropriate way to get over somebody. Some proper steps towards healing consist of getting your questions answered from your ex, distancing yourself from your ex, going through emotions of grief, rebuilding your life by feeling positive emotions, healing from the loss and then evaluating if you need your ex back in your reality.

An SOS Message

No matter if you understand it or you don’t, you’ve got an incredible amount of power over how you feel. This is because your thoughts influence your emotions. So after a breakup, you need to utilize that ability of changing your emotions. This can be completed by applying ‘opposite action to emotion’. This is an excellent tactics of increasing positive emotions when you feel overwhelmed by negative ones. It means when you feel sad open yourself to something that will make your cheerful, even if it is only for a few minutes. For example, if you feel lonely, call your friend who always makes you laugh. If you feel sad, watch a comedy. If you’re frustrated or stressed, get a massage. Your aim is to change negative emotions to positive ones.

Opposite action to emotion will give your new feelings and empower you to process the negative feelings. It’s an ability of balance. Try to get answers to all of your questions. When it comes to breakup, we can feel vulnerable, feel self-doubt and question our relationships with others. It’s quite general to have lots of questions for your ex when a breakup happens. Put them down before talking to your ex. Once you talk to your ex, be sure you cover all of your bases. You may not get answers to all of your questions, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Monthly Hiatus

After you have discussed the situation and both parties have had answers to their questions (which is perfect), take a break from each other. No texts, no calls, no emails. For lots of people, who keep speaking to an ex can get harder the situation and make the grieving process longer. If your aim is to get over this individual, give yourself a time out. Anyway, it doesn’t mean you won’t ever speak to your ex again or that you don’t care for her, it just gives you time to focus on your healing. A break for a month is recommended although every situation is different.

No matter what duration of time you choose, be sure that it’s something you can do and follow through with. Make sure to say to your ex about your month plan so he will not misunderstand your absence as indifference or hostility. And no Internet communication! As hard as it might be, delete him from Facebook and don’t follow his tweets. You’ll get urges to know what she’s doing, how she’s spending his time and so on. Don’t torture yourself by examining her every action; put your attention on getting your life better. Internet communication will only fuel your wild which is for sure going to imagine the worst, without getting all of the facts. Also a breakup is hard enough, why complicate things and get more additional negative feelings?

Process the Loss

Give yourself a chance to grieve the loss of the relationship. Techniques to help you consist of putting down your ideas and emotions, reading books about loss, and reaching out to mates to get over what you’ve just gone through. If you have no support outside of the relationship build new ones by joining LGBT support groups, volunteering or taking classes as a hobby. If your feelings overwhelm you much or take a great toll on your public and professional life, you may consult a therapist.

The aim at this stage is to get through the loss by taking that grief inside of you and letting that emotion move through you into some healthy thing. Drinking alcohol, taking drugs or any other impulsive behavior can just delay your healing and amplify the negative feelings. That means a new sort of problems. Tell about your emotions and ideas as they relate to your recent loss, so that eventually you can get to a place of resolution. Be patient as it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s okay to feel confused and question if you want to be back with your ex. Stages of breakup consist of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Of course, people don’t necessary experience every stage and may jump around the different stages of loss in no particular order.

Getting Your Life Better

The most effective thing you can do is to go back to your hobbies once you enjoyed. Get into social sports, volunteer job or try a new hobby. The aim is to get back into the reality where you can focus on events. When you’re depressed it’s really hard to focus on the outside world, because of sadness. Once you change your behavior you will start to notice you get new thoughts and emotions.

Now what about healing? Remember what was the worst part of the breakup or the relationship? Learn from the mistakes and problem-solve who you would cope with the same situation if it happened in your life again. The next step is creation of meaning. It’s an important thing to do and you need to be objective. Probably when you were with your ex you’ve got a puppy together that you now love more than life itself. Or perhaps your ex got you acquainted with French impressionism, wine, haute couture, Italian motorcycles, whatever. Maybe it’s that you never knew you could experience such strong feelings for another person, but now you know you can feel that connection and know what to look for in somebody else.

There are lots of things we can learn about ourselves from a relationship while moving forward. At last, there is forgiveness. Forgiving somebody can take time as well as some pride-swallowing if we feel hurt. Letting your anger and grief go away through forgiveness may enhance your life in the present. Keeping on anger is like taking poison and waiting for death. Keep in mind, just because you forgive somebody, doesn’t mean that you accept or approve of his behavior; it’s just a sign that you are ready to move on without him.

Ex or No Ex?

The last stage is re-introducing your ex to your life. Do you need it? What are the advantages and disadvantages of being friends with your ex? Is it possible? What will be your reaction if she starts dating someone new? The latter question is a perfect way to understand if you are over this person and what emotions you feel. It’s okay to be sad, attracted or detached with your ex. It can be very different to a certain person and situation. It will be great if you find out what your boundaries are going to be with your ex before contacting her, what your aim is when reconnecting with her, and have a plan to help build these boundaries and aims.

For instance, if you want to be friends with your ex, you need to check in with her and see how she still felt towards you. In case she doesn’t feel capable of a casual friendship then you need to give her more time to get through the loss. If she’s ready for friendship, then test the ground by spending time with her by doing something you used to. Make sure to notice your verbal cues and body language. Don’t use words like sweetheart, darling and so on. Some persons can be friends after breakup and some cannot. There is no wrong way. Just be sure your behavior is appropriate to your boundaries and aims.

There are no two persons who are the same as much as no situation that is identical. The best way to get through a breakup is to process the loss in a healthy way, be open to the lessons of the failed relationship, and understand that everything will be okay. Heartache can leave you feeling lost in this world; we hope these steps can help you get on your feet and be hopeful for the future.